When the Leaves Start to Change and Fall

The Spam:

Good evening Daniel

Wow...what a cool, fall, and wet day here in the NW corner of Arkansas.  It has definitely turned Fall here.

Went to church today, read a book, watched a movie, and took a nap, and bought groceries.  Nothing earth-shattering, but it was fun.  However, I have the Sunday night blues....waiting for that Monday morning alarm clock..

How was your weekend?

When the leaves start to change and fall, I might drive over to Eureka Springs for the day.  If you could meet me there, that would even be more fun.  Something to think about.  If you ever want to come this way, I can meet you for a meal or an outing.   I am thinking about going to see Riverdance this month in Fayetteville at the Walton Arts Center.  Is that something you would be interested in?  Just being friendly...no motives here.

Have a great Monday.  Thanks for your communication through emails.

Gary

Beyond the Spam:

Oh where to begin with Gary. Gary, whose idea of a good day is reading a book, watching a movie, taking a nap, buying groceries, feeling depressed about it later on and then actually looking forward to work the next day!

Gary, who designates time with the vague phrases such as "when the leaves start to change and fall."

Gary, who is probably a real guy and just sent an e-mail to the wrong Daniel and is not actually a spammer.

Where to start with Gary?

Well first of all his whole e-mail is one big lie.

I imagine Gary as an overweight, balding, light skinned man draped in a slightly open paisely bathrobe. He knows it looks ridiculous but he just doesn't care anymore. Besides, it makes him feel a little bit sexy. Especially when he rubs the one leg he just shaved against the other one he didn't. It feels just like being next to a woman! But is that what he wants?

Of course, his sexuality must be brought into question when he asks me to go see Riverdance. But it's not Riverdance that catches my eye. There is nothing inherently homosexual about Riverdance. In fact, it's pure manliness. A topless man, moving his legs at lightning speed surrounded by women who are so enchanted by his magical gams that they can't help but dance along themselves? Pure heterosexual magic, a modern day Piep Piper. But his line about "no motives here" is what quirks my brows.

Any time anyone says "no motives" there is undoubtedly a motive. But why hide it, Gary? Are you ashamed to be yourself? Because that's no way to go through life. Perhaps that's why you shoot off e-mails to random people instill in them the sense of ennui you feel on an hourly basis. 

A shallow effort to make yourself appear more normal, for sure. But we both know your dark secret, don't we, Gary? We both know you head off to S&M clubs during the weekend, clad in the tight leather suit you so lovingly call "The Glove" looking for a fun night of being a submissive. And then when you get home late Sunday, worn out from a night of Quaaludes and lashings (of the whip and tongue varieties), you feel a bit depressed, a little unfulfilled like your life just isn't going the way you imagined. And so you type away, long into the night, trying to grasp onto whatever vestiges of normalcy you have left. I can only imagine how many people you sent similar stories to. Perhaps inviting them to go see the Fiddler on the Room "when the water becomes slightly warmer than it was before." Damn you and your watch that only knows vague environmental changes, Gary. Damn you.

But you aren't fooling anyone.

I have a little secret for you, Gary: nobody is normal. If you want bareback with some dude after a hot night of Riverdancing then by all means go for it. Tie up your paisely bathrobe, comb what hair you have left into your signature combover and stop hiding from yourself. I'm sure there are plenty of young bucks who'd love to be elbow deep in your world.

As for me, while I appreciate your offer to go see Riverdance, I'll have to gracefully decline. I'm more of a Cats man myself. Besides, I just abhor ambiguity. Maybe if you set a time more specific than a whole fucking season I'd be more receptive to your advances.