A Bunch of Snake Oil!

The Spam:

Sender: Tuba

Subject: She'll never be disappointed

Body: Your python will be able to work for days without a rest!

Beyond the Spam:

"Ophidiophobia." It's a big fancy word that means "fear of snakes." I suppose that would make an ophidiophiliac someone that loves snakes. Combine that with a workaholic and you get a workophidiophiliac or, to make it easier, you get Tuba.

Now Tuba himself isn't a workaholic but he damn well makes sure that his pythons are. Did you see that? He makes them work for DAYS without a rest! I'm sure there is some obscure child labor law somewhere that states it's illegal to make snakes work that much. Why a child labor law? Because most children are cold blooded bastard spawn who only care about where their next Pokemon is coming from. Is Pokemon still cool? Oh wait, I don't care. Whatever the case, what Tuba is doing is illegal, immoral and completely reprehensible.

So why does he do it? "She'll never be disappointed" speaks volumes but it'd be far too easy of a pot-shot to say this has to do with penile inadequacies - because it does - but there must be something that has deeply scarred his psyche to make him want to run a serpentine sweatshop. What do they produce anyway? Oil? Oh yes, I went with a snake oil joke, bust out the old school vaudeville piano music and dancing white men in black face.

No, what really drives Tuba is his long standing desire to impress mommy. Ever since he dropped out of clown school he has been nothing but a disappointment to her. It's all she ever wanted for him! Why else would she name him Tuba? To be the next Tommy Johnson? And don't bother doing a Wikipedia search on that name, just trust me when I say that man could blow a horn.

Whenever he visited home, which was just a quick walk up the basement steps, and saw that faraway look in his mother's eyes he could only think to himself "I gotta start taming some fucking pythons." Why? Because he had just watched a lot of Harry Potter and he loved the fact that Voldemort was some weird half-man half-snake half-chemo therapy patient hybrid and have you priced chemo lately? It's about twice as expensive as a python and money from the paper route was just barely enough to fund his World of Warcraft addiction and his Fleshlight collection.

The actual process of getting a snake to perform manual labor would, under normal circumstances, be quite a trying project. But Tuba is an industrious fellow and set up an extra WoW account, taught the python to hit one button and make him tons of virtual gold which he then sold on e-bay. Thus his python working business was born and two little Indonesian kids lost their jobs. Now THAT'S outsourcing.

If only he knew his mom would be twice as disappointed in him to find out he just doubled the amount of Warcraft accounts in his name.

Tuba, I'll only tell you this once: what you're doing is slavery. Let those poor pythons go! Or at least let them play a better game. Like backgammon or jacks.

With this in mind I must refuse your services. I have a python and it works very hard but that's because it is a HAPPY python. He has great benefits, a decent PTO accrual rate and his own office with a great bay window view. His name is Bendy. Incidentally, that was the first nickname given to my penis.