Little People. "Little" as in "Immature."

The Spam:
Sender: Adrianne
Subject: I was excluded from the parties and celebrations
Body: Bessie will help you pack your things

Beyond the Spam:
I'm not going to sugar coat this one like my previous posts. I'm just going to come right out and say it: Adrianne is a passive aggressive whore. So what if I didn't invite her to a few parties and celebrations? This isn't The Great Gatsby. It's the goddamn real world! And in the real world you won't get to go to every party and there are no green lights off in the distance on the Sound that are symbolic of your ambitions coming in line with the ambitions of the world itself. No, your green light is red. As in, stop trying to come to my parties. You have horrible social skills as evidenced by your subject line being longer than the body. Bad form, Adrianne. Bad form.

Ok, now that I got that off of my chest I can take a look deeper into Adrianne's subconscious. Why would me not inviting her to a few parties make her send Bessie, a huge nordic giant of a woman, over to my house and pack my bags? I don't even live with Adrainne or rent from Adrianne or have any monetary dealings with her! Now that's some balls. Trying to evict me from my own home. Balls. Which is where I guess I should begin.

Adrianne is transgendered.

Now, I have nothing against transgendered individuals. In fact, they're typically splendid people, they just happen to have been caught up in the wrong body but there are some, just like any group of people, that are complete assholes. Adrianne is one of them. Adrianne is the type of person who thinks Rocky was calling out to her at the end of the movie. NEWS FLASH: YOU WEREN'T ALIVE THEN. Unless you got surgery that made you 20 years younger along with giving you a vagina. Vaginal rejuvenation applied across the whole body, so to speak. If so, give me some of that! Minus the vagina. I don't want one of those. Ok, maybe a little one. But I digress and regress into tiny fits of juvenile titters.

Ok. Man up, Dan! And give Adrianne the business!

So she's full of herself. She thinks the world owes her something for not doing her right in the first place and it's honestly a little grating. That's why I don't invite her to any of my parties! They're pretty tame, anyway, we just sit around decoupaging posters of Tony Danza out of scraps of old TV Guides and People magazines. Oh Tony, he is SO the boss. So why would she want to do that? She'd just totally kill the moon by trying to make a collage of Tony Danza instead. Total faux pass, Adrianne. Total. Decoupage is scraps applied to a form in an effort to make it appear like the surface! Collage is creating a new form from an assemblace of different forms. GOSH. Get it through your head.

If you can't grasp such rudimentary ideas about such wonderful artforms then I don't think there is any help for you. I would reply back to your e-mail and say "Sod off!" but, honestly, Bessie scares me. There's a reason she shares her name with the most common name for cows. And it's not because she likes to eat grass. Why must you keep such a lurking behemoth around?

Which reminds me of your slight Napoleon Complex. I almost forgot you are only three feet tall. I suppose you probably also feel I'm secluding you from my parties because you're short. Well, I'm not. I just feel that since most of my parties, apart from decoupage ones, involve standing around and looking over walls that you wouldn't be able to have any sort of fun at them. So I'm sorry for being considerate, for not wanting someone to hold you on their shoulders the whole time and I'm sorry you're overly sensitive.

Look, we're getting nowhere. Have your woman-cow servant give me my Thundercats underoos back and lets just go back to being friends with benefits. Ok? I have a thing for little people. I just wish I knew you were transgendered first. It would have cleared up a lot of confusion.